today..
my soulmate. we fought...hard. i cried and cussed and begged and apologized and when it came time to finally find resolution, the reason behind it all caught me completely off guard.

my brittany, looked away, as she explained to me that she feels as if she is holding me back. she feels that she is keeping me from having a normal relationship, and a chance to have children to claim as my own. she feels as if she is not good enough. by all of this..it hurt me terribly, only because i knew of the suffering she must have been through. she slowly convinced herself that if i had a successful, boyfriend that i could marry one day, then i would be happier. why does she believe that? how could she?
i am quite certain that it has been the ongoing pressure from society. i am bisexual, she herself is pansexual, yet she wants only for me to be normal and happy. the looks, hatful things, that we get in public are beginning to wear away on our faith in ourselves. if everybody thinks that you must not be together..it is hard to fight back. for three years we have endured. not long, in the grand scheme of life, but long enough for me to know that she is my one. the only one for me. and i dont need the religious views of the majority of americans holding me back from that love. i would never end our relationship because of it...but i want to feel normal. whatever that may be. i am not a bad person...but so many will welcomely tell me that i am going to hell..or cover their child's eyes while my girlfriend and i walk past, hand-in-hand.
i love her. i cannot bear to see people look in anger or disgust at the one who holds my heart. i have no answer for this. we must suffer for our love.
she is worth it.

pride was sunday. it was a good feeling- to be there, with so many people who are not ashamed of themselves. but then it was a shameful idea to see that these people, gathered to make a point, were acting quite ridiculous. making fun of each other. displaying all of their poorest qualities, and just acting like drunk sluts. it made me think of the world. it reminded me that most people find fun in things that i do not agree with. nonetheless, it was a fun experience although it was rather hot.

after, we went to a friend's house. it was very nice, a pleasant night. i prefer spending time with people, doing nothing in particular. i like seeing people when they are not trying to put on their best face or distract you with anything. i slept a little. as i said, very nice.

sleep is interesting. everyone must think so, except for those that choose not to entertain themselves by thought. i try not to burden my mind with those people. i hate to sleep. i love nighttime, as well as day. i love to experience both completely, but lately i have been requiring more sleep than usual. multiple people have asked me if i am depressed. i dont think that i am. i think that i am just getting older and spreading my time out a lot more. but it does make me sad that i haven't seen a sunrise in over a month, nor have i paused to view the sunset. orange, vibrant.. fall is approaching, so naturally my mind drifts to nature much more often. strange. i am going to be a vegetarian.

she is my love.

it's sad to think that it took me until my senior year in high school to finally like it. but each year has gotten to be progressivly better. i have high hopes for my life now. right now im listening to peter murphy..im completely relaxed for the first time in a while. normally it would be a time like that that would displease me, just thinking about things. too many things. the world is too intense to really wonder about. my mind is learning to take breaks from caring so much about all of the problems that we face daily. i feel healthy.





anyway, fun stuff coming up. tomorrow night, football game in sulphur springs. most people complain about the long bus ride, but i enjoy it. i like to just spend time with people. i love good conversation. and then, this sunday, 21st, is pride. it'll be my first time to go, and i am looking forward to it. im normally not all "hey im bi and proud", but it will be a good time. the following saturday, dj irene at the lizard lounge. do i even need to explain why that's good?

i want this barbie. sometimes i surprise myself with how girly i can be.